Well, boil the kettle and get your crumpets ready, we’re diving headfirst into another spine-tingling chapter from the grand ol’ tome of ‘Humans Doing The Unthinkable’.
Over at your friendly, neighborhood Giant Eagle on Northfield Rd., we’ve got a store manager up to her eyeballs in the type of nonsense that makes you lose faith in humanity. You heard it folks, the local supermarket has become an unwilling stage-set for a twisted rendition of ’90s rom-com: ‘You’ve Got Mail’.
This creepy Casanova, in a performance sadly displaying more desperation than charm, thought it was a swell idea to drop in, scare the bejeezus out of a 17-year-old employee, and deliver his unique combo of his name, email, and phone number like a half-priced, reheated meatloaf special no one asked for.
The juvenile’s priceless reaction: “Thanks, but I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.”
Following the standard playbook for dealing with adult jackasses, the manager took the logical step of contacting the police. Worry not, fair citizens – they shall leap into action, tape measure in hand, ready to issue a god-damn trespass warning should Sir Creeps-a-lot darken their doorstep again. Yeah, that’ll teach him!
On a more ridiculous note, officers gave his voicemail a ring. Surprise, surprise, Mr. Love Struck decided not to pick up. Perhaps next, they’ll post ‘NO HARASSING’ signs in the canned meat aisle.
The juvenile’s mom’s been roped into this soap opera too, because why let the kid have all the fun? She’s now on red alert, ready to flip the bird to further unsolicited love letters.
Forget wine and chocolates, this takes dating back to the stone age.
How’s that whole ‘making a good first impression’ thing working out for you, champ?
This bat-shit insane diversion is brought to you by ‘Can’t Make This Stuff Up, Idiots on the Loose…
Written By:
William Thomas
This isn’t rage—it’s truth with the volume turned up.
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