Welcome to another episode of “You Can’t Make This Shit Up,” where the oxygen-sucking hot takes of Uncle Snide are truly competing for a Nobel Prize in Ignorance. Gather ‘round, folks; pour yourself a glass of whatever you’re pretending to enjoy and let’s dive into this ridiculous festivity of family dysfunction.
So, here we have our lovely protagonist, a 25-year-old entrepreneur who has invested years of her heart and soul into an online marketplace that only features sustainable, cruelty-free, and ethically sourced brands. You know, just your standard “let’s save the planet one bamboo toothbrush at a time” operation. In the heart of the bustling metropolis known as “YourMom’sKitchen ™,” she has to endure a dinner with Uncle Snide, who, bless his heart, just can’t resist spreading his snark like butter on a stale biscuit.
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Picture this: amidst the comforting aroma of microwaved casserole, Uncle Snide decides to take the floor—not to bless the food, mind you, but to grace us with his cutting commentary about our heroine’s ethical business. “So how’s your little hippie shop going?” he mocks, as if he’s curating a selection of Barf Bag Art for the latest art exhibit in the “Worst Opinions” gallery. The rest of the family chuckles, not because it’s funny, but because they’ve all collectively decided to ignore basic human decency in favor of a good old-fashioned roast of “the one who actually cares.”
After suffering through this “comedy roast,” our business-savvy girl snaps and delivers a comeback so glorious, it deserves its own Instagram filter. “At least I’m not helping exploit child laborers because I can’t be bothered to shop responsibly.” Oof. You could hear a pin drop in that kitchen, folks. Suddenly, the air grew thick with the tension of a thousand “you really shouldn’t have said that” glances.
But here’s the kicker: instead of showering her with applause for her bravery in the face of thick-headedness, her family decides she’s the one in hot water. Let’s not forget that Uncle Snide is older and—dare I say—somehow wiser in this dumpster fire of a dinner. How dare she interrupt his salvos of foolishness with facts?
Now, her mom thinks she’s the bad guy for embarrassing Uncle Snide and making everyone “uncomfortable.” Because nothing says “family unity” quite like allowing one family member to throw shade while everyone else nods politely like a bunch of bobblehead dolls.
But honestly—who even cares? Just because trying to do the right thing makes some individuals uncomfortable doesn’t mean it should be dismissed as a joke by the family jester. I mean, if we’re going to mock each other at family dinners, could we at least aim for topics that don’t involve exploiting child labor or the ozone layer?
So, hats off to our heroine for standing her ground and knocking Uncle Snide off his high horse—or should I say, “virtue-cycling eco-chariot?” You do you, sister. If they can weaponize laughter as a way to belittle ethical responsibility, then you’ve got the right to bring a little reality check to the table.
Next family dinner, maybe bring your own bamboo utensils so Uncle Snide can stir the pot with a little more class. Because if family can’t support your hipster dreams, are they even family?
Patrons of Sustainable Meal Prep Magazine, thank you for this cringe-worthy episode. Join us next week when we discuss why Uncle Snide thinks the moon landing was faked and find out where he’s hiding his tinfoil hat.
For the brave and the bored: scroll, weep, and read the comment wars.
Written By:
William Thomas
This isn’t rage—it’s truth with the volume turned up.
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