Ah, technology: the Saviour of modern life and the arch nemesis of my existence. Only the other day it appeared as though I had unknowingly joined the vampire league. Not because I have developed an unexpected aversion to sunlight, nor have I formed a rather peculiar craving for blood. No, it seems my entry into the prestigious vampire society stems from my uncanny ability to stand completely unrecognized in front of automatic soap dispensers and sinks at public restrooms. Clearly, I’ve transcended the mere mortal plane and breached into the realm of the supernatural, without so much as a by-your-leave!

I cannot say I am exactly thrilled at this newfound ‘talent’ of mine. Sure, becoming a creature of the night has its perks, but on the ground level, it’s not all it’s hyped up to be. Maybe you’d like to know why.

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Picture this: you’ve done what nature called for, you turn to the sink, ever so conscious of the invisible army of germs pleading for a home on your palms. You put your hands under the tap, expecting the cool rush of water to descend at the wave of your seemingly magical gesture. But, what’s this? The sensor doesn’t detect your hands. A wave, a tap, a little jig, nothing. It’s like you’re stuck in an episode of Ghost Adventures with Zak Bagans and his crew, loudly proclaiming, “If there’s any spirits here, give me a sign!”. And yet, the tap stubbornly remains silent and dry.

Having been slighted by the sensor tap, you shift your focus to the automatic soap dispenser that sits on the side, mocking you with its gleaming, deceptive promise of hands-free cleanliness. Let’s give this one a try, shall we? You extend your palm, expecting a smooth dollop of soap, but surprise, surprise! According to the ultra-sophisticated sensor, you cease to exist – again.

Now, being a vampire isn’t half bad, but when you’re expected to be hygienic and the bathroom appliance apparently misses the twilight saga memo, it’s disheartening at best. After all, we vampires aren’t savage beasts, at least, not anymore. We do like our hands clean!

By some divine intervention, just when you’ve lost all faith, bam! The sensor has an epiphany and acknowledges your existence, paving the way for the overdue ritual of cleanliness. A wave of relief washes over you when the water finally cascades down and the soap graces your palm, offering both relief and a hint of sarcastic apology.

Yet, as if this spectral mockery isn’t enough, there is one final jester who waits patiently to start his act: the automatic paper towel dispenser, safely tucked in its corner, watching the scene unfold with a devilish grin on its face. Hey, it’s great when it’s doling out towels like candies on Halloween when you’re not even close but the moment you desperately need one, boom! You are John Cena, it can’t see you.

I just want to make it clear to all future bathroom technology: I don’t need my existence to be a question mark while I’m in there. I need not dance like a starving mantis jockeying to coax a stream of water from the tap. I don’t fancy conducting a seance for a drop or two of soap. And I certainly do not wish to play hide and seek with the paper towel dispenser, thank you very much!

Surely, it’s not much to ask? A little water, a bit of soap, a piece of paper towel – served without technology’s sarcastic glitchy grins. Until that happens, I’ll be here, waving my hands under the tap like Harry Potter trying to cast a charm without a wand, looking like an idiot, while the sink, soap, and towel dispenser conspire to remind me that even in the age of technology, basic hygiene is apparently a privilege, not a right.

Written By:
William Thomas

This isn’t rage—it’s truth with the volume turned up.

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