Revenge of The Battery Snatcher

Oh, what an electrifying start to the day over on W. Interstate, folks! You’d think the clock striking 9:52 a.m. would set the scene for a lukewarm latte or perhaps a lawsuit over a burnt McMuffin. But no, today we’ve got a thieving saga to brighten the morning faster than your office’s flickering fluorescent light mess.

Here’s the gist: a battery bails on its abode. The perp? Drum roll, please! A bitter, presumably underpaid ex-employee who apparently decided to channel their inner Nicholas Cage and go full ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ on an automotive heartbeat worth a staggering $229. You heard me folks, professional courtesy seems to have walked off a freaking cliff!

Feels like an exciting episode of “Worst Ways to Ruin Your Life for Less than $300,” doesn’t it? I mean, who needs a pristine criminal record or steady employment when you can have a slightly used Duracell? Am I right?

So what’s the usual procedure here? Strap on a coon skin cap, shut down the interstate, call in The Mounties to hunt down the renegade battery pilferer? Nope! The boys in blue didn’t have to lift a finger. Not an iota of policing acumen was sullied in the making of this arrest. Why? Because what Mr. Energizer Bunny didn’t realize was that our towing company couldn’t afford to pay him a livable wage, but it sure as hell could afford top-notch surveillance systems.

Clean up on W. Interstate, folks. We have an idiot on aisle 5.

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