Bike Busting Bonnie and Clyde Find Themselves Pedalling to Nowhere

Let me tell you the riveting tale of some would-be juvenile bike thieves who had an ingenious plan snatch wheels from the utterly secure fortress that is…a city library. Wow, impressive.

One idyllic spring evening, precisely at 5:27 p.m., little Johnny and his sidekick thought they’d stumbled onto the perfect crime. Never mind the Wallstreet hustles or Vegas casino heists, no movie director in Hollywood could conceive a plot as thrilling as this stealing a bike from an unsuspecting bookworm on Columbus Road.

The dynamic duo skillfully executed their plan, striking as the sun began to fade. They slipped away silently, presumably pedalling off into the sunset on their ill-gotten gains.

But alas, these bicycle-bungling buffoons forgot one little thing. The ubiquitous surveillance cameras that grace every street corner. Their fleeting life of crime was swiftly brought to a halt by our caffeine-infused boys in blue.

Now, one might expect me to lambast our solid blue crime busters for devoting their resources to such a perilous threat to society. But I can’t help but share a certain giddy satisfaction over the look of gut-wrenching defeat that must have crossed those tykes’ faces when they saw the flashing lights.

Officers recovered the stolen wheels and delivered them back to their rightful owner, leaving our juvenile delinquents standing in the cold, presumably chewing over their enormously erroneous life decisions.

But before the scofflaw scamps retreated to lick their wounds and pray for sudden invisibility power, the force delivered the last blow. They let mommy and daddy know about their little cherubs’ failed exploits. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at THAT dinner conversation.

So ends the saga of our barely-there Bonnie and Clyde. Sleep easier tonight, folks. Our beloved books and bikes are safe once more.

Spill By Bill, signing off. From the pile of ‘we couldn’t make this shit up’ files. Stay smart, stay safe, and for god’s sake, if you’re thinking about a life of crime, at least aim higher than a bloody bicycle.

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